Friday, July 12, 2013

i'm terrified of not changing

Since finding out that I was pregnant, my anxiety (I have a mild form of GAD) has actually lessened overall. I suddenly knew that things were beyond my control and I just had to let go and let nature take over.

I was on a medication to help and was very anxious to stop taking it because I knew the difference between how I felt when I was on it and when I wasn't. Go figure - going off anxiety meds caused me extra anxiety! :) I weaned myself off and feel great - haven't looked back

I've worried a lot about what will happen with my job when I go on maternity leave but have come to the realization that I am not the boss and if I'm not there, I can't control what goes on. I will have a job to come back to and I am very grateful for that. 

I let go of some things that I know people who are close to me will be surprised about. The baby's name for example - leaving that up to my hubby. I know he wouldn't choose anything I don't like but he is driving that bus for sure.

Yes - I am a control freak by nature - overly organized and anal. But this new experience - being pregnant - had already taught me so much. I can't control other people, I can't get frustrated because things don't go exactly the way I wanted them too or planned them to go and I need to really focus on the here and now. It's cliche but it truly is the only time we have and days and weeks and months seem to fly by in a blink of an eye. I want to truly treasure these moments (as I write this I am sitting in a BCBiomedical lab waiting to take my glucose test and even though I'm not looking forward to it, I'm here - in the moment).

I still have my lists and have signed up for all the classes - prenatal, hospital tour, birth and delivery and breast feeding. I'm not going to change completely who I am but I know I am moving into a better direction. Basically - I'm growing up!

But this is where my fear of NOT changing comes in. The small changes that I've already experienced are awesome and amazing. I want to continue to see these changes evolve in myself but what if they don't? They say this journey of pregnancy and motherhood is supposed to be a magical experience - one that changes you as a woman for the better. Transforms you into a better person, a better human being. But as I look around, I see so many examples of woman who are exactly the same as they were before they had children. I cannot judge what they see from their point-of-view or from the inside but I see so many selfish, ignorant, lazy, boring woman. It's just a fact. 

I am not saying that these women are not good mothers by any means because they are - they are great mothers, amazing friends, supportive family members and smart business women. But have I seen a change for the better in them? Not really from my vantage point.

Will motherhood make me a better person? I know it already has hope that as I go along this road, I will gain new perspectives, kindness, patience and humility. I guess from my experience I can't expect others to see but I look forward to seeing those changes within myself. Normally people are afraid of change - it's human nature - but for this next stage of my life, I am afraid of not changing. Bring on the change baby girl ... momma is ready!

What was/is your biggest fear with your first pregnancy? 

1 comment:

  1. My biggest fear is not giving my child everything I want to give her/him. I fear that I will fail as a parent, that she/he will go without, that I will be impatient, and that she/he will look back and wonder why I didn't do better.


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