Monday, February 17, 2014

why do people use the term "new mom" like they have a bad taste in their mouth?

As a new mom, do you ever notice that other parents who have been a parent longer than you (or have more than one child or had a child a million years ago) tend to regard you as a new mom like it's a bad thing?

I was pretty sure that when I got pregnant, I thought that having my first baby was something to be celebrated, something that was amazing and hard and awesome. Trust me, it is, but every time I question something about my baby, or I ask for help or advice, the response usually comes back with something like, "Oh, you're a new mom." Um - yes - we all know that. You don't see any secret toddler in the closet or a teenager hiding in my trunk do you? This is definitely my first rodeo. Therefore, I have no clue what I am doing and would think that I could rely on other mothers to set me on the right path.

I was telling a fellow mama that I got very conflicting advice on what baby equipment I should use, and her helpful advice? (Seriously people - one doc says yes to Jolly Jumper, exersaucer and Bumbo and another specialist says hell no to all three?!) "Oh, just do what feels right and when you have your second, you won't care." Uh thanks, but who said I was even having any more children? Will I only be validated as a real mom if I have more than one?

I was telling a mom/family member about how frustrating I find it that my daughter won't take a bottle. Her reply, "Don't worry about it, you're a new mom so you probably didn't try the right way. Just wait until she is older." Excuse me? Getting a baby to take a bottle seems like a pretty unique situation - to each unique baby so what works for one might not work for the other. But what do I know? I'm just a new mom.

And my favourite - baby gets fussy in a visitor's arms but said visitor refuses to give baby back to the new mom.
Visitor: Oh baby, you can cry all you want. I've heard a crying baby before and it doesn't bother me like it probably bothers your mom.
Me (aka "New Mom"): Actually, I know she's hungry so I should just feed her now.
Visitor: Oh no, she's just being fussy. Aren't you baby?
Me: Nope. Pretty sure it's been over 3 hours since she last ate so I will just feed her.
Visitor: I will just bounce her up and down because this helped me soothe all my children.
Me: Time to eat!
Visitor: Trust me, this will work ...
Me: (After baby looks at me wide eyed and freaking out ...) JUST GIVE ME MY F*&%ING BABY!
Visitor: Well fine. I was just trying to help. You know you won't jump every time your second baby cries. That's just a new mom thing.

OH. MY. LORD.

I've collected a lot of these scenarios over the past few months (I do get great help and advice too but the bad taste comments tend to stick out in my memory) and wonder what age my baby needs to be before I am no longer a "new mom". What if I only have one child? Will I be a new mom until my daughter turns 18? :) Sure, people tell me I am being too sensitive or taking things the wrong way but could it be that some people are just super insensitive and condescending without realizing it?

I really appreciate the love and support of my "mom tribe" but I have to say my favourite people to go to for help are my friends who have just recently had babies themselves. When they call me a new mom it is said as if we both belong to a secret club. It's new, it's alive, it's exciting. And it doesn't matter if I'm asking about what baby carrier I should purchase, or if a mark on my baby's skin looks wrong, they dive into the issue with gusto and examine all angles without just dismissing me off as a new mom.

Cheers to all mothers out there old and new but please pass an extra glass of champagne to those ladies who are going down the same path at the same time as me. Thank you friends!

Did you feel like people weren't giving you enough credit when you became a new mom or dad?

70 comments:

  1. It's funny how EVERYONE with kids/ stepkids/ grandkids thinks that he/she is a specialist on children as soon as you show up with one! I especially love when someone who's clearly been a terrible parent (i.e. their kids are complete deadbeats or idiots) just HAS to tell you what you're doing wrong. I want to tell them, "Listen, Lady/ Dude, you clearly screwed up your kid, so there's no way that I'm listening to you!" As a new mom to an 8.5 month old, I'm definitely over the "helpful" comments!

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    1. Ha ha - so true Natalie - Amen Sister! Could not agree with you more!

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  2. Interesting! I'm not a mom yet, but I'll see what my experience is like when I am.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. It's quite a unique experience. Wouldn't change it for the world but people are just plain crazy sometimes :)

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  3. Oh I so remember those days when my first son was born. I so wanted real help. But I got oh you are a new mom so much I just wanted to stab someone with a fork. LOL!!! Not not really, well kinda sort of. I think us veteran moms tend to forget that we were once new moms too and that we need to do whatever we can to help moms with new babies. Not try to make them feel like we are the know all and they are the know nothings.

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    1. Exactly. That's how I feel - like I don't know anything. It's been quite the learning curve and experience - but I wouldn't change it for anything :)

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  4. It has been 34 years since my oldest was born and reading your post I could still hear the family and friends saying the exact same thing. Only I got it with all three of mine, since I lived in the boondocks and only came into town to stay long enough to have the babies. Everyone seemed to forgot that I had an older one. And can I be the first to say that as a "new mom" you are doing a fantastic job.

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    1. Thanks so much :) I think this is just something that happens and can't be avoided but it is hard when you are the one dealing with it at the time. Will just try and keep that in mind as other new moms come into my life!

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  5. Being a parent seems to come with a lot of idiotic social issues like anything else in life. The "experts" always mock and belittle the "rookies," and you can see this play out in all fields of life. It's really sad. I always wonder, "Did they forget being in the same position once? You can't gain any expertise without having a beginning." It doesn't make sense! People are trying, aren't they? So rather than kick them while they're down, I can't get why so many people don't choose to actually lend a hand. I was at a volunteer party at a place I volunteered at for two years (over 800 hours!), and for fun, we were going in groups on a scavenger hunt. My group ended up being all 15-18 year olds, from two different volunteer programs, and then a single 12-year-old from the "kiddie" program. Everyone was ignoring her and leaving her behind to catch up as we ran around trying to get the scavenger hunt complete, and I was the only one that went out of my way to make her feel included. To me, that was just common courtesy, but I realized later it meant a lot to her, because she never forgot my face even a year later, and always ran to hug me when she saw me!

    Hopefully most people learn to do better one day than judge and belittle people just because they have less experience or seniority than themselves. Definitely an important topic, and it was interesting reading what you had to say. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thanks Lalia! I think we just have to think before speaking and/or doing - in all situations not just when it comes to kids and parents. Lesson learned - and I hope I keep this all in mind as I come across other new moms in the future!

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  6. Funny and true - I do remember those comments when my daughter was born!

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    1. Thanks for your comment ... I'm learning that everyone is going through or has gone through the same thing. It's sure been an interesting journey so far!

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  7. I know how you feel! I'm a first-time mom and I felt like everyone had their judgmental eyes on me when my son was born. I've gotten some thick skin since then. We all have different ways of doing things - we just have to accept it.
    -Stacey
    GluedToMyCraftsBlog.com

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    1. Thanks Stacey! So true - it has been quite the 4 month learning experience so far :) Wishing you all the best!

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  8. Jaclyn, Congrats on your bundle of joy! I confess I have been guilty of offering unsolicited advice... With my first, I was just so terribly overwhelmed and felt totally incompetent that I got on this kick to help others so they wouldn't feel like I did. But, of course, good intentions don't always lead to good results... Anyway, back in the day with my first, all that "new mom" condescension really added to my feelings of inadequacy - but I know that you are the absolutely perfect mom for your children, that's God's design and He doesn't make mistakes.

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    1. Thank you Sarah ... and you know what? I already finding myself doing it to my girlfriend who have just had babies! I guess we will never get away from it :)

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  9. I agree that one of the most frustrating things about being a new Mom is navigating this new territory and trying to establish your stance as a parent. The worst thing when you ask for help or advice is when people dismiss your question because 'you'll figure it out'. Of course you will, but you're asking because you're trying to piece together how you feel and will do things based on those whose opinions you respect and have already walked the walk. I think no matter what phase we'll be in as parents, we're always going to have people who dismiss what they're going through because they've 'been there, done that' and whatever they're facing now as parents is tougher/ harder; they simply forget that they were once there too.

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    1. I hear you - I started saying, "Just tell me what to do!" but of course, no one old. I understand now but in the thick of it, it's hard to figure it all out!

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  10. Unfortunately, there are too many people out there that feel like they're the expert on everything, including motherhood. :)

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  11. I'm struggling with infertility, so I don't have kids, but I can relate in that EVERYONE who knows about my situation tries to tell me how to get pregnant. "Oh, you can't get pregnant? Have you tried going on vacation?" Or, "You should just relax." I guess it won't end when I finally do get pregnant! Stopping by from Blogelina Commentathon

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    1. Thanks Lisa - I wish you all the best in your journey. It won't stop but by now, I am sure you have developed a thicker skin and will be ready for the comments :)

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  12. I am a mom of a two year old and I try really hard not to give advice unless I am asked so that I don't come off as a know-it-all..lol I try to share information but not bully people into doing what worked for me. I feel your pain. Stay strong mom !

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    1. Thanks so much! I am trying so hard not to do it myself already. I will give advice when asked ... that's my new mantra :)

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  13. Unfortunately, I think this happens to all moms. There will be a time when you are no longer a 'new mom'. That time typically occurs when someone you know just had a baby and they are now the 'new mom' seeking your advice. For some reason it's so tempting to offer advice but more in the form of well you're a 'new mom'. It is frustrating when you are the new mom but I promise you won't be a new mom for long. If you're really bothered by the stigma, don't ask for advice from those that are older or have more than one kid (although I'm sure most of the advice you're receiving is unsolicited anyways). And if you have a question on baby equipment, review the site weespring.com they have real reviews from moms on there. Even your Facebook friends can review their items to help you make decisions on what's best for you and your baby. Truth be told, the best advice is to just follow your own instincts which can be so hard in our super-overly connected world. Just trust yourself, you'll never do anything to hurt your baby because regardless if you're a 'new mom' or not, you are a mother and that's all you need to be to make great decisions for your baby. Thank you for sharing for all the 'new moms' and 'veteran moms' out there! :)

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    1. I read another blog post recently that had a list of things you can do to support a new mom - bring them lunch, offer to fold laundry ... you know - the usual. But the one that caught my eye was to listen about their baby without talking about yours. So hard but such a good lesson and I try to do that now. Makes the new mom feel unique and special! Thanks for your comment.

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  14. Having two of my own, I totally get what you are saying. I try NOT to give advice. Both my boys were unique and required totally different care. But just to make you smile, BEFORE children I swore I would never let my kids watch too much TV and never give them medication unless absolutely necessary. Yaaa... amazing what changes when you actually have the child. Benedryl became my friend for a couple of days when my oldest was having trouble going to sleep... Which is why I don't say much anymore.

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    1. Thanks! Key word is "TRY" because I think it's human nature to do it! Ha ha - thanks for your comment :)

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  15. The biggest "specialists" seem to be those who don't have any children. Believe me, it's just as bad when you have an only child!

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    1. Thanks Tonia - I just wonder when I won't be considered a "new mom" anymore!? :)

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  16. It has been 35 years but yes, I do remember those folks. People can be so insensitive to new Mom's. No one knows your baby better than you do! Congrats on being a new Mom! Enjoy the journey.

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  17. This post - so funny and so true! Thanks so much for posting it and reminding us all to stop and think before we start pushing our advice and opinions on new moms - who definitely know their new babies much better than we do!

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    1. Thanks Marcia! I know it's just human nature but the new mom is already feeling overwhelmed -- I love it when people support me and make me feel like I know something vs. nothing :) I do know something - even with zero sleep most days - ha ha.

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  18. I've not yet had kids, but I think I understand where you are coming from just due to understanding how humans interact.
    And, will most likely when we do decide to have kids--steel myself with your tidbits.
    Thank you for this post!

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    1. It is definitely human nature but when a new mom is already tired, sensitive, overwhelmed and has no clue what the hell they are doing, it can become a bit much :)

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  19. Ahh.. this was good. I have two under two, and still feel like a new mom, but also an old mom. I also get treated like a new mom. As you said above, I am sensitive, overwhelmed and have no idea! :) I get the looks like I should know what I'm doing by now, or be able to control two boys 10.5 months apart. Keep up the good work, and remember that no matter what, you will always be your child's No. 1 mom, and perfect in their eyes. When my sweeties come in for a snuggle, I know I'm doing something right.

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    1. Thanks Jen - loved this comment and so true! Congrats on your little ones.

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  20. I had to laugh at your story with the visitor when your baby was starving and needed to eat. Anyone should know to give a hungry baby to her mother.

    Faith

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    1. You would think! :) Thanks for your comment.

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  21. Yes, that's so true. I'm a "new mom" too and I can sooo relate to this! :)

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  22. I'm a new mom too and this is so true! :) I can really relate! :)

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    1. Thanks for your comment and for stopping by!

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  23. I definitely felt like people downplayed my opinion a bit as a new mom. However, as I've gotten more seasoned, I've also learned that some of the things I was upright about really didn't matter.

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    1. I already feel that way too Jennifer - it actually changes daily. Thanks for stopping by!

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  24. Congratulations and good luck. It's hard for me to relate as I have no children. But I do have experienced with people being insensitive...

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  25. I like your point of view; although, I've never had kids.

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  26. I have two teenagers now, but I do remember when I had my first. I didn't like people making me feel like i was over reacting because i was a new mom. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thanks Tanya! I think people just need to support new moms and let them know that they are dong a good job no matter what. That would go a long way when you are sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

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  27. You are too funny! I know exactly what you are talking about too. Goodness, the "helpful" advice from some people. And some people can be down right bullies about it including the nurses in the hospital. My 'advice", tell them this is your 5th child, then they'll start asking you advice. Ha!

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    1. HA HA HA - I might just try that Tamara. Thank you!

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  28. Yeah I would get annoyed too if people kept referring to me as a "new mom" as opposed to just being a mom. I hope my family doesn't do that to me when I have my first child.

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    1. I am waiting for it to change from "new mom" to just mom but I am almost learning to just go with it. I AM a new mom and it's the best thing in the whole wide world. All the best when you do become a new mom - it's fantastic :)

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  29. it seems like you are really focusing on the negatives that most people wouldn't really even see. I never took it as an insult to be a "new mom" i was in fact a new mom... unsolicited advice will always come whether its baby one or baby five... and each of those babies will be different and you will always feel like a new mom with each added addition. I hope you can come to terms with your status as mom... God bless you!

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment Marisa! A lot of this was meant "tongue in cheek" but since I wrote it, I have already learned a lot and what you say is so true. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to growing as a mom as I go along on this wonderful journey.

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  30. Yeah, I remember that. Everybody that ever had a baby is full of advice. Wonder if I do that :/
    I just listened, smiled and nodded and made my own decision. Congrats on the baby!

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    1. I'm learning to just listen, smile and nod :) Thanks Annette!

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  31. We humans are so opinionated.
    I mean, it's great that they take an interest, but everyone has been there--so I think a little bit of compassion is in order. Just a little, you know?

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    1. So true A. So true. Thanks for your comment :)

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  32. I was 18 when I had my first so I definitely felt like people didn't give me enough credit. He's about to turn 17 so I think I've done a pretty good job. I also have a 13 yr old and an 8 year old. I consider myself a "seasoned" mom now but I still remember what it was like being a "new mom".

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  33. Congrats for being a new mom--although I am waiting a few years for this, I think though that everyone is always new at it once--they just need to remember that.

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    1. I've learned to just smile, nod and say thank you :) Thanks for your comment!

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  34. Unsolicited advice doesn't end with the baby years. Several times I've commented, "It's amazing she's lived this long!" about my 8 year old.

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  35. I'm not a mom but I have tons of friends that are, and yes, I have seen these people that think they know it all. I definitely believe the parent knows best!! And the meme at the bottom is HILARIOUS. Props to you!!

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    1. Thanks so much Liz ... this journey so far has been quite the trip :)

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